


Disney On Ice

by Metal_Chocobo



Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Disney, F/M, Groping, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 19:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/422354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metal_Chocobo/pseuds/Metal_Chocobo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Disney Princesses On Ice, an exciting evening for any eight year old. Especially when she gets to go with her older brother and his best friend. It's a shame Link and Zelda don't feel quite the same way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Disney On Ice

“You’re taking me to what now?” Zelda asked as she ran her fingers through her blonde hair. She knew what Link had said, but she couldn’t believe it.

“Disney Princesses on Ice?” Link answered weakly. He laughed sheepishly and added, “Look, despite what you may think, I didn’t pick our night’s events. Aryll did. If I had picked, we’d be off to see the hockey game instead. Please come with me, Zel, save me from my plight of being the only man there.”

Zelda turned to look at Link. “Are you suggesting that I’m a man?” she demanded, glaring slightly. Link was usually smart enough not to insult her when he was begging for a favor.

“No, no, of course not, Zel,” Link assured. He waved his hands defensively as if they could ward off the woman’s fury.

“What time does it start?” Zelda sighed.

“Seven,” Link answered grimly. “We’ll pick you up at six. Bring earplugs.”

* * *

“Zelda! Which Disney Princess are you?” Aryll chirped as Zelda climbed into the front seat of the jeep next to Link.

“Mulan,” answered Zelda promptly.

“Can’t be Mulan,” Aryll sang, shaking her head, “Link’s Mulan.”

Zelda looked at Link and tried not to smile. Link gripped the wheel tightly so that his knuckles turned white. “At least Mulan is a man for some of the time,” he muttered under his breath.

Zelda laughed. “I believe I’ll be Belle then. I can tell you’re Sleeping Beauty from the outfit.”

The eight-year-old smiled happily at the comments from the older girl and carefully readjusted her skirt. She broke into Sleeping Beauty’s signature song, ‘Once Upon a Dream.’ Link yelled at her to knock it off. The song abruptly stopped, leaving a hurt silence.

Zelda hit Link across the back of his head, causing the seventeen-year-old to yelp in pain. “You are such an idiot,” she hissed into his ear. In a louder voice she consoled Aryll. “Link didn’t really mean that, Aryll. He’s just feeling a little testy since Link believes that the Disney Princesses on Ice show emasculates him, although that’s not true because real men don’t worry about how they appear to others. Now why don’t you tell me what you’ve been learning lately?” They spent the rest of the ride over hearing about how the math alligator always ate the largest number.

Link dropped Zelda and Aryll off at the door so that he could park the car. When the girls entered the lobby, Zelda saw hundreds of small girls dressed up as fairy princesses. There were mostly Snow Whites and Cinderellas in the crowd, but there were also a number of Ariels, Sleeping Beauties, Jasmines, and even some Pocahontases. Zelda saw almost no Mulans.

“Wow,” Zelda whistled, “that’s a lot of kids.”

“Can we find our seats now?” Aryll asked, tugging on Zelda’s jacket.

“Sure.” Zelda smiled down at Aryll. “Do you want to get some popcorn first?”

They got more than just popcorn. They also got three slushies, three hotdogs, pretzels, tiaras (Zelda had to stop Aryll from getting one for Link), and some fairy action figures. By the time they actually reached their seats, Zelda’s wallet was significantly lighter.

“Link had better pay me back,” Zelda grumbled darkly as they sat down in the stadium.

Shortly thereafter, Link sat down heavily, clearly in a foul mood. Zelda leaned over and poked Link in the shoulder and asked, “What bit you on the butt?”

“Apparently I’m not the only man here, just probably the only straight one,” Link declared.

Zelda glared at him. “Link, I am shocked and appalled—”

“No, no, Zelda,” Link snapped, annoyed. “Most gay people are fine and you know your brother is my best friend.”

“I thought I was your best friend,” Zelda said softly.

“Zelda…” Link ran his hands through his hair. “He’s my best friend after you, okay? No, I’m talking about the men that trap you in the bathroom while your pants are down cause you’re taking a leak—” 

“You take your pants off to urinate?” Zelda asked in surprise. She had always assumed that the zippers in the pants allowed men to keep their trousers on.

“It’s a figure of speech, Zel. I meant I was caught unaware,” Link explained. “As I was saying, grab your ass, and ask for a fu—” He cut himself off when he noticed that no one else was talking.

Aryll stared at him inquisitively. A couple of mothers glared at Link as their small girls stared at him since the Princesses weren’t on ice yet and he, as a young male, was the most interesting thing around.

“Asked you for what, Link?” Aryll asked eagerly. It seemed that all of the little girls found Link’s story to be extremely interesting.

“Ah…” Link trailed off as he blushed. “…For a chance to do something extremely vulgar and highly inappropriate for a public restroom. Now could you pass me my slushie? I think the show is about to start.”

Indeed, all of the lights in the stadium began to darken. As Zelda passed Link his food, the theme music swelled, and Pocahontas leaped onto the ice. A surge of excited high-pitched squeals filled the room. Then John Smith, Meeko the Raccoon, and Grandmother Willow come onto the ice. The noise increased tenfold as the entire stadium sang about two rivers. Zelda was glad she had worn her earplugs.

Then came Belle, Esmeralda, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Snow White, Mulan, and Jasmine. All of the princesses showed up with their male counterparts. What truly impressed Zelda was watching Ariel slide across the stage in a fish tail and Nala dance with Simba in full lion regalia. 

By the end of the performance Zelda was convinced the ice skaters earned their paychecks. She joined the several thousand young girls in standing ovation for the cast. Link had at first opted to remain seated, but after a well-placed slap, he changed his mind and stood to clap as well.

As the trio walked out of the stadium, Link stopped and his face whitened. “Damn it!” he swore as he hit the wall next to him.

“Link,” Zelda said sternly as she grabbed the seething teenager by the jaw, “Calm down and shut up. What’s the matter?”

“That… that…” Link gnashed his teeth and took a deep breath. He looked down at his little sister who stared back at him worriedly. “That creep from the bathroom,” he started, “took my wallet. It’s gone. I’m gonna check by my seat, but I know that it didn’t fall out.” He ran back to check the area around their seats.

“Well, that just tears it,” Zelda growled. When Link returned still looking glum, she grabbed the siblings by the hands and pulled them through the crowd. “Tell me which bathroom you were groped in,” she demanded. Link told her, he didn’t dare do anything else.

When they reached the restroom, Zelda saw a large man with flaming red hair and stubble, wearing leather clothes, while joking with several other guys. They all looked like bikers. With one glance at Link, Zelda knew this was the guy. 

“Hey, buddy,” Zelda called out as she strode up to Mr. Biker.

The biker turned to Zelda and glanced at her. “Sorry, you’re not my type,” he said, causing a few of the others to laugh.

Zelda smiled thinly. It was not a nice smile; Link had learned long ago that one did not want to be on the receiving end of that expression. He pulled Aryll a little closer. 

“Do you recognize my friend there?” She asked, jerking her thumb at Link.

A lazy grin spread across the biker’s face. “Sure,” he replied. Then leering at Link, he asked, “Come back for more?”

“From your statement, you’ve shown that you did do something to my friend,” Zelda stated calmly. “We can have you charged with sexual assault.”

The bikers stopped smirking and stared at Zelda. “Huh?” intoned Link’s assailant.

“My friend is a minor, under eighteen, which makes him jailbait in this state,” Zelda snapped. “You tried to force him to give you sexual favors against his will. That’s sexual assault even without the age issue. Your ass is gonna end up in jail being used by bigger, badder cons.”

The bikers were alarmed. “I swear I thought he was eighteen,” the biker started. “And come on, he’s here at Disney on Ice and staring at me. I that wasn’t a sign he was interested, I don’t know what is.”

“Or perhaps a giant leather clad man at Disney on Ice is going to draw stares from anyone, no matter their orientation.”

“Look, this was just a misunderstanding, please don’t call the cops.”

“Well, Mr…” Zelda trailed off. The bikers were now putty in her hands.

“Ganon,” Ganon the biker grumbled.

“Ganon,” she shark-smiled, “If you return his wallet, we won’t press charges.”

“Oh, okay, sure…” Ganon sighed, shutting his eyes. They flew open again, alarm written across his face. “But I didn’t take his wallet!” he yelped. He glanced at his friends. “I didn’t!”

“You didn’t?” Zelda asked. Disbelief seeped through her voice.

“I didn’t.” Ganon glanced wildly at his gang. “Did one of you guys take it?”

“I…” a slender youth stepped forward nervously. He had purple hair and several rings through his face.

“Vaati!” Ganon roared as he slapped the boy across the back of the head, nearly knocking him over. “Give the fucking wallet back! You’re not sending me to jail!”

Vaati dropped Link’s wallet into Zelda’s outstretched hand. She tossed it to Link and he aptly caught it. Zelda grabbed Vaati by the nose and held on tight.

“Check to make certain our friend hasn’t removed anything,” Zelda ordered.

Link nodded and rifled through his billfold. “My license is missing,” he called back.

Zelda jerked Vaati’s nose hard. He yelped and handed over Link’s license. “Anything else?” she asked sweetly.

Link smiled and shook his head.

“Lovely,” Zelda drawled. She released Vaati’s nose and patted his cheek. “Now you lot stay out of trouble,” she ordered over her shoulder as she returned to Link and Aryll.

The three hurried to their car and left the center. Aryll had been silent through the entire encounter. Now she asked, “What was that about? And what’s sexual assault?”

Zelda brushed her hair out of her eyes. “You remember our good touch, bad touch conversation, right?” Aryll nodded. “Well Ganon there wanted to force your brother into some bad touching. That’s against the law, and breaking that law is called sexual assault.”

“Oh,” Aryll replied. She leaned forward in her seat so that her head was in line with the teens’ heads. “Are you okay, Link?” Link forced a smile and nodded. He obviously didn’t want his little sister concerned. Determining he was okay Aryll asked, “Can we get ice cream?”

Zelda looked at Link.

“Sure,” he shrugged.

For the entire ride over to the ice cream shop, Aryll bubbled happily about the performance. Zelda listened attentively, but also worried about Link. He was unusually quiet.

As they followed Aryll onto the shop, Zelda poked Link in the arm. “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t respond until after they sat down. Aryll happily munched on her hot fudge sundae, Link licked his chocolate and French vanilla double scoop and Zelda bit into her own Rocky Road. After they spent several delicious moments working on their frozen treats, Link mumbled something. 

“What?” Zelda asked. 

“I said, you stood up to those bikers,” Link repeated.

“So? They insulted you one too many times for my taste.” Zelda licked her cone defensively, watching Link out of the corner of her eye. “What they did was not okay.”

“You don’t have to defend my honor,” Link stated gravely. He wasn’t glaring at her, but it was pretty close. “I can take care of myself.”

“Oh, don’t give me that macho bullshit,” Zelda snapped, fed up. She poked him in the chest. “I thought you were immune to testosterone poisoning.”

Link knocked her hand away. “I’m never gonna grow up if you keep fighting my battles for me, Zel.”

“I like you the way you are.” Zelda smiled faintly as she refrained from adding ‘you idiot’ to her statements. She had a feeling that it wouldn’t go over well at the moment.

Link frowned. “Well, I don’t,” he retorted. He got up from his chair stiffly and slung Aryll over his shoulder. “Come on kiddo,” he said, trying to sound happy. “It’s after ten, way past your bedtime.”

“But Link…” Aryll whined.

Zelda sighed as she followed the two out of the ice cream shop. She had forgotten an important thing about dealing with Link: how fragile the male ego truly is. 

* * *

“Hey, I’m sorry we stopped at my house, but I had to get Aryll home,” Link smiled, laughing slightly.

Zelda shook her head, continuing to stare out of the passenger window. “Don’t mention it,” she said.

After stopping at Link’s to drop Aryll off for her belated bedtime, Link drove Zelda back to her place. The ride over was a tense affair; neither said a ride on the way over. Currently they were sitting in the jeep next to the sidewalk in front of Zelda’s home.

Link sighed deeply and leaned back against his seat. “Great, just great,” he sighed, slapping his hands against his legs and shaking his head: “You’re mad at me.”

Zelda glared at him. “Well, yeah,” she snapped. “I get your wallet _and_ your license back from those creeps and what do I get in return? My head bitten off, that’s what!”

“Those bikers could have decided to beat the shit out of you instead!” Link yelled back. “You were lucky they were cowards! Do you think I want to see you killed?”

“Oh, so wouldn’t you as the big strong man have come and rescued me if I needed it?” Zelda shot back. 

Then he was kissing her. It was an angry kiss that pushed her head back against the window of the small jeep, but also too fearful to let go. When Link moved back to his own seat, she slapped him. Hard.

“Just so we’re on the same page,” Zelda swallowed, “you’re an idiot.”

Link nodded, the bright red handprint contrasted starkly with his pale computer geek skin. “I know,” he whispered.

Zelda unbuckled her seatbelt and opened her door. “Call me when you get home, okay?”

Link nodded and put the car into drive. He wouldn’t look at her.

Zelda rolled her eyes and sighed. She leaned back toward him and kissed Link’s abused cheek. He looked at her, surprised. “Call me when you get home,” she repeated, grinning.

Link smiled weakly. “We still on for the Dr. Who marathon?”

“Oh, you bet we are,” Zelda promised.

She kissed his nose before climbing out of the car. After slamming the car door shut and entering her own house, Zelda watched Link drive away. Even after talking to her parents about Princesses on Ice, eating a quick snack, and going to bed, she couldn’t stop smiling. 

As she was about to turn off her light, her older brother Sheik popped his head into the room. “Hey,” he greeted. “How was Princesses?”

“Good,” she grinned, “Link kissed me.”

Sheik’s brow rose. “Bet you didn’t tell mom and dad about that.” He slunk into Zelda’s room and flopped onto the bed next to her. “So are there messy details that I get to hear?”

“I slapped him then,” Zelda said, wincing.

“You slapped Romeo?” Sheik asked aghast. “But I thought he was Orpheus to your Eurydice.”

“I wasn’t expecting it,” Zelda said defensively. “We were in the middle of a fight.” Sheik just shook his head. “I made it up to him,” she continued. “I kissed him. Twice.”

Sheik grinned lazily as he got up from the bed. “Well, Link isn’t a bad first boyfriend. He’s cute and he follows your orders without question. You have my blessings.” He pulled out his wallet and tossed a small packet from it to her.

Zelda curiously picked up the packet. It was a cherry flavored condom. “Sheik!” Zelda screeched, feeling really grossed out. Her face turned the color she imagined the condom to be.

“I’m just saying,” Sheik said, holding his hands up defensively. “If it ends up happening, I want you to use protection. I think Aryll is all the kid you guys can handle.”

Zelda threw stuffed animals at her brother until he fled the room. After she got up to shut and lock her door, Zelda snuggled back into bed. “Bastard,” she whispered before turning off her light. Getting a sex lecture was not the way Zelda had expected to end the evening. She’d probably never even sleep with him. But she kept the condom anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> I believe that normally Ganon is a perfect gentleman. He just made some assumptions he should not have.


End file.
